Love is…

I’m so in love with you today. Well, the memory of you. My heart feels filled with anticipation and fear. I just think of your name and I feel numb. I don’t even want you to react. I don’t even care about what you would say to that. I don’t need it. Because I’m floating in my imagination. How powerful is that? How wonderful is that. My hands shaking as I type this, I feel like I can’t breathe. Not in a bad way, I’m amazed by the way the thoughts of touching your hair paralyzes my body. I’m currently sitting on my bathroom floor unable to move because I thought of loving you. Hmm. It’s crazy I carry that everyday. This feeling every single day and sometimes it makes me.. it never makes me mad. I never regret the feeling or wish it away. I believe it will matriculate into whatever it will be. Wondering will I ever love like this again? Or am I destined to have loved and lost? It’s okay I don’t want answers. But my body numbs and my mind wonders and I dance in the memory, the past, of what my heart feels for you. And I want to be happy for you. I want to be your friend forever, but fighting the urges to press my lips against back of your neck 3 times, before falling asleep, lingers in my mind. I need more time.. but today the thoughts of you came rushing over me, as if the gates I’ve constructed to store my love for you, just fell apart. I wonder if I feel less strong today. Or if I should even tell you these things? Truth of the matter is, I feel equally as strong when I’m storing away those urges. Either way they consist of you. Today, today they flow rapidly thru my veins pumping thoughts to my mind. They have completely enabled my movement and I give in to it. It makes me smile. It makes me hungry for more. How completely you engulf me, astounds me. I love it. It empowers me. It makes me grit my teeth and profess my joy with sheer determination. Regardless. Today I’m so in love. 

Love is…


Ranting and Raving in July 

It’s July. It hasn’t dawned on me until today, or rather a few days ago, that I’m totally over it. Everyday it’s like something new develops in my brain and it connects to the gut feeling, that drives my days. It occurs to me that I’m simply exhausted by the entire situation. I find myself playing clichè saying in my head, “nothing worth having comes easy” and I think how worth having this all is…I don’t connect a thought. I stop the thought process in its tracks with my distracted and unwilling heart. So, I actually don’t know how this one plays out. It’s difficult to be begin to look ahead when all I know to do is notice what’s right in front of my face. But let’s talk about that. How many times can someone tell you they don’t want you for you to be able to comprehend it? Not many you would assume, but I probably hear it every other day, in a roundabout way. Foolish as it may sound, I continue on to the next door once the rejection or disappointment sits in. Bread crumbs. She leaves me little bread crumbs and it satisfies my desire to hunt. The naked shots and the I love yous, feed my search for existence far beyond the limitations she has created. She admits to have creating this mess, but is completed puzzled at its evolution. I think I fail every single test. And I bitch about my defeats, which only sets the next trail up for failure. She says things that purposely set me off, and wonders why I’m mad about it. I wonder why I’m mad about it. We fight all day, I see a million snaps of her with him. Him. We fight about him all the time as if he is more than just a man. A boy. It’s like I come to the battle all tattled and bruised and he stand but a god before me. Beaten by a mere boy. She’d be extremely defensive if she heard me call her almighty, a boy. He is a boy. Yet, he has everything I think I want. Can’t know for certain though, it isn’t available for me to want. But what about those nudes.. Do I want it then? Is it mine to have then? She said today, “I’m trying to be your friend.” Oh man, with friends like these… Blows my mind, 2 days later I can’t be mad as fuck about the very detailed and unrelated answer she’s gives me about how awesome her romantic life is.. It’s almost as if she has completely forgot or has no regards for the time we spent together. 4 days ago she expressed in great detail all the ways she loves “Gail” via text.. But today I’m bat shit crazy because I was angry about her “happy relationship..” I’m losing my fucking mind over this.. I know for certain I’m not suffering from some type of stroke, so really I must be losing my mind. Because it doesn’t add up. She seems to think that I am the one that stirs shit for soup, that I am the one making everything such a big deal. She’s a child. And I’m stuck trying to figure out where I may have left my fucking mind. It still hurts. I don’t care who you are. It’s annoying that she’s flaunts it so much and I have to say nothing. If I choose to voice my opinion, literally I am the only one that’s thinking it. Well, in our two-way communication. I start the fight and end the fight because I’m apparently fighting with myself. She gives me all the materials and I just go full circle with my reasoning. 
I woke this morning so mad, to a reply to a text she had already replied to mind you, that ignited the fight. At 9am, I kid you not, 

She said, “I don’t want to fight at 9am” 

After,  I had woke and replied calmly, “I sent that message last night” she said “I know I was replying.”

Again? Did you read it over and decide you had more to say, or did you just decide to start a fight and make me look crazy? Furious! I was pissed. I am still fuming from it actually. This entire thing is a direct result of that conversation. Which made me realize that I’m over it. I just struggle with how to do it. I have this rule. I call it, “Rule 86” I have no idea why because there are no other numbers to the rules.. 
Rule 86 is when the relationship or situation is over you delete them from your life. Everything! Social media, friend circle, phone.. Everything. If you work with them you need to consider changing jobs. I’m serious about that, because hell is surely to come after a breakup with a work connection. So you delete everything and pretend they don’t exist. Something that can be the bitch move though, like you weren’t strong enough to just keep it pushing. But in some instances, you aren’t strong enough. Like you’ll see their car driving down the road and you consider running them off the road, and fleeing the country. It’s fine. We all have those ones that were completely batty over. So to save yourself the embarrassment, rule 86 them. Just free yourself from them completely. So you aren’t up late at night checking there statuses. Change your coffee shop, your grocery store. Change your life. It’s better. Just skip the heart break and run the fuck away. I mean it’s nice to continue to get your donuts at the same place you have for years, but they know that, they will find away to be there or ruin your day. So just leave it. I would tell you to move away but I mean it depends on how deep your in. If you guys live together. Yeah, just skip town, change your number, and dye your hair. No, don’t do that. You’re not that weak. 
Ranting and Raving in July 

A Thought Shared

I didn’t always get it. I still don’t get it. There are facets of your mind.. Of your imagination, that I can only hope to discover. I don’t always understand .. And the biggest lesson I can say that I’ve learn, is that it’s okay not to understand. I look back at some of our precious time together and I ponder in amazement, of your beautiful mind.
I crave to know the contents, of this mind. I think of how your body reacts to these things that circulate inside your head. I, at first, thought the most beautiful thing about you, the most desirable place inside of you, was your heart. I saw a glimpse of it beating and decided that’s where I’ll start…


That’s where I belong.
Then the startling realization that it is not your heart that beats the rhythm your soul dances to, it is your mind. Your thoughts, your intellect, tell your heart what beat to play, to have your soul begin to sway. And I can tell you that I haven’t a clue of what your mind will say… 

And I forget to wait for my invitation. Why you do the things you do, why you hurt yourself to protect others.. Why you sacrifice… are things that I’ve learned it’s okay to not understand. 

It is your mind that intrigues me. Thinking.. Always thinking. Always trying to discover. You learn from everything and often times say nothing, as the knowledge fills your souls desire and I sit, but in awe, of the process. And I wonder why I ever wanted to belong any other part of you.. How your words when spoken fall right out of your mouth, and into my hungry mind. For you to think of me, well, means so much more than the words I love you could ever mean to a soul. For you to have well thoughts of me, means more than either of us dare to imagine…but I bet you have already. And it’s really not okay for me not to understand. Because it’s the only place my mind will go.. It’s the only thing that feeds me. 

“What is on Layla’s mind?”

My stomach growls with anticipation. My mind makes excuses for failing to understand, and I, myself, get lost in the thoughts I use to protect my heart’s right to beat if I think it to.

But I think of you and it beats, and the rhythm scares my mind as it beats louder and louder.. I wonder if I’m scared of the sound and I wonder how to stop it… But it pounds steadily, loudly, and proudly. What a thought of you does to me..I may never understand. Everything goes away. There are no sounds. There are no thoughts. Just the beating and the dancing. That’s when hope comes in. And when I can’t explain why hope joins the fun.. That’s when the faith comes in.. And when I have the tiniest bit of doubt that’s where the love comes in..

And I swept away. 
A Thought Shared 

The Winter It Didn’t Snow

Sometimes we would sleep all day. Mainly because we stayed up all night having sex. A good day for us, or just any Saturday or Sunday, would consist of waking up whenever we wanted. Sometimes we would wake up and lie in bed talking for hours, often about something one of us saw on our phones. After laying around until 3pm, we would get hungry enough to always settle on pizza. We would put clothes found of the floor on our bodies and turn to some random non-cable tv channel and eat, pass the bong and talk about whatever show we watched. 

We wouldn’t listen to anything happening on the the tv, but do the entire dialog ourselves. As if we were the sportscasters, reporting on an intense game. We would do that to every show, commercial, that we watched.

We would do that in real life. We shared so many laughs. We would share so many thoughts. We’d spend an entire day doing that. Then have sex til morning. Regardless of what we had to do the next day. That was always optional. No matter the obligation. Call in to work? Because you’ll only have 2 hours of sleep. I already did, she’d reply. Then we would sleep all day. 
I guess that’s something I treasure most. Those were our best days. It was winter. But it never snowed. Our time was similar.. It was a relationship but it never bloomed. We wait for snow. We want it. We hate it. But we miss it. 
The Winter It Didn’t Snow 

The Value 

I don’t stop to think how valuable it is to be the good guy. I guess, it’s never been valuables. And, while I’m considering how perfect I am, I should be reminded that there are plenty of people, that do not think I’m all that good. 
Well, they would be mistaken. I am sure no one would disagree, however, the worth of my good deeds seem.. Invaluable. 

Always nice and always polite. I look back at things and make sure I played my cards right., but it’s all so disappointing when the bad guy always win. 

I’d pay to get out of my head. To be well thought of has it value and I always enjoy the aftermath, but in the present I always hate it. 
I’m always disappointed. 

I, do good by others to be good to others. There should be a feeling of success that follows that. But..usually and I do mean often, it’s just me feeling like I lost an invisible battle of good versus evil. 
I need a distraction on days like this… But I know distractions won’t do much good, for now, when my self esteem is so low. 
The Value 

Watching In Wonderment 

Here’s the thing.. usually people don’t run away from me. They gravitate towards me. I’m intuitive. That’s my gift, as I was told from my reverend uncle, and the church said, “amen” (lord forgive me) but usually I can just get it. I get people. I can’t even seem to see the real her, I’m not sure if that’s what she’s going for but it only allures me more. And she’d have nothing to do with me. Low-key I’m quite a bit much for her. But I drool a little bit she when acknowledges my existence. So silly. I couldn’t care less. I have so many things going on, then I just kind of t of Natalia, and I get kind of lost in the mystery. How could she run away from me for so easily and what’s the big bad scary thing about me?
It’s weird because we vibe. I think she is about cool shit. And I want to know more, but if I ask… I’ve said too much. And if I don’t ask I wonder too much. Days go by and I’m bitter that I’m left to wonder. Who am I to her? Scoffs.
I mean let me tell you. She’s got this smile that literally travels from one ear to the next. And it’s mesmerizing. I forget what we’re laughing about. And nothing I say is cool enough, I feel. And I’m cool as shit. Around her… I’m small. I feel small and unaware. But not in a fearful way. But in this “I’m but a mortal” sort of way. And that catches me off guard. I’m talking about me a lot when really… Just the surface things I know of her, would spin your head around, right round. Her world traveling, her education, her passion for being a decent human being, her beauty. These things are probably broader and far more advanced that I give them credit for but I mean she is a mystery.
The conversations I’ve held with her, even seriously meaningful, I try to take it as it’s light and usual. I do her a disservice for her honesty. I always feel like I should honor that in some way, but because she is so pure.. anything I say sounds, unworthy. That’s probably a weird thing to say. But I would tell her, if she’d listen, that I appreciate her words, her truth, her vulnerability. It’s pure because we all have a façade that we use to live. And for a glimpse, no matter the surrounding, she’ll say something truthful and honest. And you just kind of stare at her in wonderment, when really that makes it awfully awkward. That’s when I say something dumb that allows her to flee.
She gets away from me and that probably the best thing that could happen to both of us. I’m bad news. And as she pointed out, “don’t need someone to help fix me” the thing is.. when I said what I said, to make her respond like that.. what I was actually insinuating is that I don’t need her or anyone to fix me. I was just letting her know, that it’s okay to broken, and it’s even better to have someone there, standing beside you cheering you on, as you rebuilt or rejuvenate.
And the mystery of her, the essence of her, makes me want to be a member in the crowd, watching in wonderment. Waiting for my cue to cheer.

That’s unfortunate 

I want that feeling. That raging pulsating feeling of wanting someone as badly as they want you. That feeling of letting go of all thoughts and letting your body communicate. I get excited in my blood just thinking about it. 
I’ve been wondering why dating wasn’t working and why spending time with her wasn’t doing anything to ignite my fire. I just couldn’t put my feeling on it. Lately, I’m thinking about everything. Fantasizing and hitting reality. The back and forth. She helps that reality quite a bit. Annoyingly so. I toss myself between getting rid of it and holding on so much. Idk. I don’t really care. I mean I haven’t really cared about the solution any of this time. 
Here’s the thing. I’ve been wondering why I haven’t been horny. I think back to my 4 month hiatus this time last year, there she enters. But then I was pretty convinced that I was punishing myself for doing that awful thing with that lady. Any way I slice that, it was still a bad call…But today, I haven’t done anything awful. I’ve been growing. And that’s when it hit me. I just want more from a connection. There’s nothing wrong with that. I chase her around because when I think of a connection that’s earth shattering. I think of her and I. I think of me picking her up, holding her thighs, her arms wrapped around my neck and us just breathing in syndication, sucking oxygen from the other. 
So when do I get that feeling back? I want it be her so badly, but can obviously say having her is worst than wanting her. I’m coming out of this obsession and I can see her walk on the ground and I’m not impressed.

She would’ve fell eventually, wouldn’t she? 

I just want that feeling. And she is the first thing I can think of to connect. 

That’s unfortunate.