That’s unfortunate 

I want that feeling. That raging pulsating feeling of wanting someone as badly as they want you. That feeling of letting go of all thoughts and letting your body communicate. I get excited in my blood just thinking about it. 
I’ve been wondering why dating wasn’t working and why spending time with her wasn’t doing anything to ignite my fire. I just couldn’t put my feeling on it. Lately, I’m thinking about everything. Fantasizing and hitting reality. The back and forth. She helps that reality quite a bit. Annoyingly so. I toss myself between getting rid of it and holding on so much. Idk. I don’t really care. I mean I haven’t really cared about the solution any of this time. 
Here’s the thing. I’ve been wondering why I haven’t been horny. I think back to my 4 month hiatus this time last year, there she enters. But then I was pretty convinced that I was punishing myself for doing that awful thing with that lady. Any way I slice that, it was still a bad call…But today, I haven’t done anything awful. I’ve been growing. And that’s when it hit me. I just want more from a connection. There’s nothing wrong with that. I chase her around because when I think of a connection that’s earth shattering. I think of her and I. I think of me picking her up, holding her thighs, her arms wrapped around my neck and us just breathing in syndication, sucking oxygen from the other. 
So when do I get that feeling back? I want it be her so badly, but can obviously say having her is worst than wanting her. I’m coming out of this obsession and I can see her walk on the ground and I’m not impressed.

 
She would’ve fell eventually, wouldn’t she? 

I just want that feeling. And she is the first thing I can think of to connect. 

That’s unfortunate. 
9/26/16

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