Watching In Wonderment 

Here’s the thing.. usually people don’t run away from me. They gravitate towards me. I’m intuitive. That’s my gift, as I was told from my reverend uncle, and the church said, “amen” (lord forgive me) but usually I can just get it. I get people. I can’t even seem to see the real her, I’m not sure if that’s what she’s going for but it only allures me more. And she’d have nothing to do with me. Low-key I’m quite a bit much for her. But I drool a little bit she when acknowledges my existence. So silly. I couldn’t care less. I have so many things going on, then I just kind of t of Natalia, and I get kind of lost in the mystery. How could she run away from me for so easily and what’s the big bad scary thing about me?
It’s weird because we vibe. I think she is about cool shit. And I want to know more, but if I ask… I’ve said too much. And if I don’t ask I wonder too much. Days go by and I’m bitter that I’m left to wonder. Who am I to her? Scoffs.
I mean let me tell you. She’s got this smile that literally travels from one ear to the next. And it’s mesmerizing. I forget what we’re laughing about. And nothing I say is cool enough, I feel. And I’m cool as shit. Around her… I’m small. I feel small and unaware. But not in a fearful way. But in this “I’m but a mortal” sort of way. And that catches me off guard. I’m talking about me a lot when really… Just the surface things I know of her, would spin your head around, right round. Her world traveling, her education, her passion for being a decent human being, her beauty. These things are probably broader and far more advanced that I give them credit for but I mean she is a mystery.
The conversations I’ve held with her, even seriously meaningful, I try to take it as it’s light and usual. I do her a disservice for her honesty. I always feel like I should honor that in some way, but because she is so pure.. anything I say sounds, unworthy. That’s probably a weird thing to say. But I would tell her, if she’d listen, that I appreciate her words, her truth, her vulnerability. It’s pure because we all have a façade that we use to live. And for a glimpse, no matter the surrounding, she’ll say something truthful and honest. And you just kind of stare at her in wonderment, when really that makes it awfully awkward. That’s when I say something dumb that allows her to flee.
She gets away from me and that probably the best thing that could happen to both of us. I’m bad news. And as she pointed out, “don’t need someone to help fix me” the thing is.. when I said what I said, to make her respond like that.. what I was actually insinuating is that I don’t need her or anyone to fix me. I was just letting her know, that it’s okay to broken, and it’s even better to have someone there, standing beside you cheering you on, as you rebuilt or rejuvenate.
And the mystery of her, the essence of her, makes me want to be a member in the crowd, watching in wonderment. Waiting for my cue to cheer.


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