It’s July. It hasn’t dawned on me until today, or rather a few days ago, that I’m totally over it. Everyday it’s like something new develops in my brain and it connects to the gut feeling, that drives my days. It occurs to me that I’m simply exhausted by the entire situation. I find myself playing clichè saying in my head, “nothing worth having comes easy” and I think how worth having this all is…I don’t connect a thought. I stop the thought process in its tracks with my distracted and unwilling heart. So, I actually don’t know how this one plays out. It’s difficult to be begin to look ahead when all I know to do is notice what’s right in front of my face. But let’s talk about that. How many times can someone tell you they don’t want you for you to be able to comprehend it? Not many you would assume, but I probably hear it every other day, in a roundabout way. Foolish as it may sound, I continue on to the next door once the rejection or disappointment sits in. Bread crumbs. She leaves me little bread crumbs and it satisfies my desire to hunt. The naked shots and the I love yous, feed my search for existence far beyond the limitations she has created. She admits to have creating this mess, but is completed puzzled at its evolution. I think I fail every single test. And I bitch about my defeats, which only sets the next trail up for failure. She says things that purposely set me off, and wonders why I’m mad about it. I wonder why I’m mad about it. We fight all day, I see a million snaps of her with him. Him. We fight about him all the time as if he is more than just a man. A boy. It’s like I come to the battle all tattled and bruised and he stand but a god before me. Beaten by a mere boy. She’d be extremely defensive if she heard me call her almighty, a boy. He is a boy. Yet, he has everything I think I want. Can’t know for certain though, it isn’t available for me to want. But what about those nudes.. Do I want it then? Is it mine to have then? She said today, “I’m trying to be your friend.” Oh man, with friends like these… Blows my mind, 2 days later I can’t be mad as fuck about the very detailed and unrelated answer she’s gives me about how awesome her romantic life is.. It’s almost as if she has completely forgot or has no regards for the time we spent together. 4 days ago she expressed in great detail all the ways she loves “Gail” via text.. But today I’m bat shit crazy because I was angry about her “happy relationship..” I’m losing my fucking mind over this.. I know for certain I’m not suffering from some type of stroke, so really I must be losing my mind. Because it doesn’t add up. She seems to think that I am the one that stirs shit for soup, that I am the one making everything such a big deal. She’s a child. And I’m stuck trying to figure out where I may have left my fucking mind. It still hurts. I don’t care who you are. It’s annoying that she’s flaunts it so much and I have to say nothing. If I choose to voice my opinion, literally I am the only one that’s thinking it. Well, in our two-way communication. I start the fight and end the fight because I’m apparently fighting with myself. She gives me all the materials and I just go full circle with my reasoning.
I woke this morning so mad, to a reply to a text she had already replied to mind you, that ignited the fight. At 9am, I kid you not,
She said, “I don’t want to fight at 9am”
After, I had woke and replied calmly, “I sent that message last night” she said “I know I was replying.”
Again? Did you read it over and decide you had more to say, or did you just decide to start a fight and make me look crazy? Furious! I was pissed. I am still fuming from it actually. This entire thing is a direct result of that conversation. Which made me realize that I’m over it. I just struggle with how to do it. I have this rule. I call it, “Rule 86” I have no idea why because there are no other numbers to the rules..
Rule 86 is when the relationship or situation is over you delete them from your life. Everything! Social media, friend circle, phone.. Everything. If you work with them you need to consider changing jobs. I’m serious about that, because hell is surely to come after a breakup with a work connection. So you delete everything and pretend they don’t exist. Something that can be the bitch move though, like you weren’t strong enough to just keep it pushing. But in some instances, you aren’t strong enough. Like you’ll see their car driving down the road and you consider running them off the road, and fleeing the country. It’s fine. We all have those ones that were completely batty over. So to save yourself the embarrassment, rule 86 them. Just free yourself from them completely. So you aren’t up late at night checking there statuses. Change your coffee shop, your grocery store. Change your life. It’s better. Just skip the heart break and run the fuck away. I mean it’s nice to continue to get your donuts at the same place you have for years, but they know that, they will find away to be there or ruin your day. So just leave it. I would tell you to move away but I mean it depends on how deep your in. If you guys live together. Yeah, just skip town, change your number, and dye your hair. No, don’t do that. You’re not that weak.
Ranting and Raving in July