Watching In Wonderment 

Here’s the thing.. usually people don’t run away from me. They gravitate towards me. I’m intuitive. That’s my gift, as I was told from my reverend uncle, and the church said, “amen” (lord forgive me) but usually I can just get it. I get people. I can’t even seem to see the real her, I’m not sure if that’s what she’s going for but it only allures me more. And she’d have nothing to do with me. Low-key I’m quite a bit much for her. But I drool a little bit she when acknowledges my existence. So silly. I couldn’t care less. I have so many things going on, then I just kind of t of Natalia, and I get kind of lost in the mystery. How could she run away from me for so easily and what’s the big bad scary thing about me?
It’s weird because we vibe. I think she is about cool shit. And I want to know more, but if I ask… I’ve said too much. And if I don’t ask I wonder too much. Days go by and I’m bitter that I’m left to wonder. Who am I to her? Scoffs.
I mean let me tell you. She’s got this smile that literally travels from one ear to the next. And it’s mesmerizing. I forget what we’re laughing about. And nothing I say is cool enough, I feel. And I’m cool as shit. Around her… I’m small. I feel small and unaware. But not in a fearful way. But in this “I’m but a mortal” sort of way. And that catches me off guard. I’m talking about me a lot when really… Just the surface things I know of her, would spin your head around, right round. Her world traveling, her education, her passion for being a decent human being, her beauty. These things are probably broader and far more advanced that I give them credit for but I mean she is a mystery.
The conversations I’ve held with her, even seriously meaningful, I try to take it as it’s light and usual. I do her a disservice for her honesty. I always feel like I should honor that in some way, but because she is so pure.. anything I say sounds, unworthy. That’s probably a weird thing to say. But I would tell her, if she’d listen, that I appreciate her words, her truth, her vulnerability. It’s pure because we all have a façade that we use to live. And for a glimpse, no matter the surrounding, she’ll say something truthful and honest. And you just kind of stare at her in wonderment, when really that makes it awfully awkward. That’s when I say something dumb that allows her to flee.
She gets away from me and that probably the best thing that could happen to both of us. I’m bad news. And as she pointed out, “don’t need someone to help fix me” the thing is.. when I said what I said, to make her respond like that.. what I was actually insinuating is that I don’t need her or anyone to fix me. I was just letting her know, that it’s okay to broken, and it’s even better to have someone there, standing beside you cheering you on, as you rebuilt or rejuvenate.
And the mystery of her, the essence of her, makes me want to be a member in the crowd, watching in wonderment. Waiting for my cue to cheer.

Trying not to fall apart 

I go through these weird phases of encouragement. I cheer my decisions on and confidently tell myself it’s all going to work out. I wonder when I became satisfied with being unhappy. Was it something so long ago, that shaped my acceptance of less than? Less than anything remotely connected to my idea of joy. Regardless, accepting is what I do. “Oh, paycheck short! That’s fine I don’t care to eat everyday.” I never really accepted failure and now it seems like the expected outcome, fail. 
This love thing has really got ahold of me. 
Not much matters if I’m not mattering to her. Typing that sentence made me feel pathetic. Yet, it’s the only sentence that makes any sense. Torturous our growing and secure friendship. As it builds, I find myself standing crippled and accepting. Her head on my shoulders as we loosely hug goodbye. I remember when we used to make out for all my neighbors to see.. Today, while talking to a co-worker I scrolled through my pictures and smiled at the memories that accompanied them. I felt invoked to share my gleeful position with her, “thanks” she says. Why am I the only one that cares about it? She said, I was too important to not be in her life. 

Celebration? 

Importance. 

Lucky her.

I’m left unsatisfied. Smiling like a fool, at the photos that show us laughing and carrying on. I would typically send the photo to her so she could share in my joy, but that typically results in a party of one. 

I tried to talk to her about it today. Share an intellectual conversation, about love and the lack of logic. Though the conversation had depth, the words “I love him” bounce off my consciousness and numbed my soul. I thought to myself. “Don’t fall apart!” Tears filled my eyes and I choked on every word that could come to mind. “Yea I hear you.” I replied.

I did hear her. I always hear her, and I never care to change my reaction. On days like this, I find myself questioning my own confidence…feeling rather less than. It never softens, her approach, blunt and honest truth. Always. I need it. Maybe one time I’ll ask and accept the answer and move on. Painful. It’s all very painful as I work a job that I hate, and is less than. Live a life that I did not choose and love someone that doesn’t love me back. She never changes. Well, she changed from the words written on my wall of love and joy to…not at all. 

She has poisoned my entire existence. And I embellish the devastation. I noticed that when I look at her, her face looks different to me, I can’t smell her anymore. I am far too afraid to touch her. We hug with loose arms and I wonder for how long. She drops arms as I am still clinched around her. What do I do now? Why is it so easy to tell me, that she loves someone else and in that same breathe exclaim, “I’m not going to push you away, fuck that.” 

What gives her the audacity? Me. I allow it. I don’t know what to do without it. At some point I made her my entire life, and during that time she gathered a much better sense of her love for another. I’m so incredibly sad and disappointed with my behavior. 

Foolish

Careless

I’ve continued to lose focus and now I can’t begin to find it. I wish I had some good news to displace the bad, but I’m trying not to fall apart.